The Accidental

When you’re on holiday,

I’ll waltz into your holiday home

as if I own the place.

Soon you will trust me,

but I have an accomplice

and while I befriend you

she’s going to empty your home of its contents.

It’s a very, very, very kind thing I’ll do.

Your carpets will not be there when you go back.

Your furniture will be piled up in the back

of a transit van hurtling to a warehouse.

I hope you’ve been paying your insurance premiums.

We might take your husband as well.

Think of it as a fresh start,

a new life,

a blank slate!

You’ll book a ticket to go round the world to find yourself

while I find out what your stuff’s worth.